Addictive and Compulsive behaviours are destructive
"People develop addictions to shield themselves from intolerably painful feelings. An addiction always creates harmful, often ignored consequences. Only when the addiction becomes unmanageable will people do something about it".
As a senior Accredited Psychosexual Therapist and Sex/porn addiction specialist, I am a Professional member of ATSAC The aim of sex addiction Therapy is not to extinguish all sexual behaviour, rather to stop destructive behaviours and to find out what sexual behaviours feel non toxic to you. Sex is a life force, like good music and wine and it enhances your life. So we are sex positive in our approach, encouraging connection to your partner, instead of isolation and you no longer use sex for other reasons e.g. stress, boredom and to relieve emotional pain. Some Therapists don't believe that sex addiction exists. When people tell me they have sex/porn addiction and they are clearly distressed, I believe them.
Some conditions I work with are;
- Men that can't control parts of their sexual behaviour e.g. compulsive masturbation
- Men that cheat on their committed partner, e.g. affairs or escorts, only fans, cam girls
- Men spending a lot of money to have some kind of sex
- Partners of Men: that use sex compulsively, that want to understand their man
- Partners of Men: that want to understand this addiction and heal themselves
- Sex/Porn: masturbation Addiction, (Camming, hook-up sites, affairs, escorts)
Definition: Sex addiction isn’t defined by how often you have sex, or how many partners you’ve had. It’s defined by loss of control: a persistent pattern of sexual behavior you can’t stop despite wanting to, even when it damages your health, relationships, career, or finances. Roughly 5% of adults worldwide meet the criteria for what clinicians now call, compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD), with estimates ranging from 2% to nearly 9% depending on the country.
Working with Sexual Addiction: Compulsive use of internet porn, affairs, camming, escorts, can become out of hand, this includes females and young adults too. Partners, children, parents and employers of those addicted can also be affected. Individuals can find their sexual behaviour confusing and worrying, but may be unable to stop. What started of as an occasional porn surf, can easily become a task master, taking too much of your time and leaving you drained of emotions and unable to engage in important relationships, or meaningful activities. Approaching your GP (most don't know how to 'treat' sexual addiction problems), may be scary and embarrassing.
In order to help you, I advise, Individual Therapy for the Partner with compulsive use of sexual behaviours. They learn to acknowledgee and identify the function or the compulsion and how to replace that, by identifying their triggers and emotional states and also how to help heal their partner, by creating emotional safety for her.
I work with both the Partner with the compulsion and the partner that has been betrayed, but not both at the same time. i.e. if I work with the former, I don't work with the latter, why is this?
Both the betrayer and the betrayed are in a heightened state of nervous energy i.e. in Fight of flight state. A lot is riding high on the betrayer stopping the acting out behaviour and keeping the betrayed person emotionall safe. For the betrayed, a lot is at stake regarding his honesty and his immediate cessation of acting out behaviour. Usually, not a lot of time is spent thinking about 'how' he is going to recover from an addiction. It can be seen just as an excuse for cheating behaviour and will not be tolerated. This opinion is wholly understandable, but can also be unhelpful at the same time. It's a tricky situation to manage. The betrayed can turn into a detective searching everything that her partner owns, for evidence of further acting out. In fact that can become addictive too. The betrayer is full of shame at what he has done to his partner and that he has risked their relationship ending and if they have children - they are potentially upset too, (if the couple break up). His anxiety about not making any further mistakes is sky high and if he does make a mistake, his partner is (understandably so hurt and angry. Accusations, anger, shame can spiral and make everything much worse, so it's better that he looks after his Therapy and she looks after hers. If each are given the space to vent and get to grips with understanding an addiction, they can both bring new insights to the relationship and their joint experiences can thrive. All addictions are chronically relapsing conditions and some space around how not to lapse or relapse is needed.
Once the addictive behaviour has stopped and the betrayed partner can manage any trauma in session: We can work together, on the new relationship. By this stage each partner will have more confidence in themselves, being able to trust a partner that has betrayed you, is an ongoing effort, but it can get better. The cheating partner, may also take a while for them to be able to trust themself again. The pain of shame has to be worked on. The most common question I am asked is, 'how will I know if my partner is cheating again'? The only way you will know, is by his behaviour and we explore this in couple work. Another common question is, 'can we return to our old relationship e.g. before the porn? No, that is not possible as the old relationship has gone. However, you can have a better relationship, one that is built on honesty and authenticity and is a place where you can rely on each other to keep feeding your relationship with genuine positivity. It can be a bumpy journey, but the rewards are, more understanding of each other and your individual needs, more trust, forgiveness, enhanced connection, both emotionally and physically, and you can feel like a team together again.
