What do you see when you look at this image? I see and feel the despair of so many clients that I work with and its a tough place to be. When your life has been blown up by your,(or your partner's behaviour) life can feel quite dark. There are a million thoughts rushing through your head and forcing you into a fight or flight nervous state. You are drained, exhausted and you have lost hope that you, or your partner can be helped.
Let's look at what it takes to recover.
You need to feel your Therapist can be trusted, is good at their job, has lots of experience in working with people in a similiar position to yourself and that regards you well, without judgement and can guide you through and out of this trapped position you feel stuck in.
I let you tell me your story and will ask for clarification and/or a few more details.
I ask you what your goal is from undertaking this Therapy.
If it is abstinance from e.g. toxic sexual behaviours, you pick a date to stop 'acting out' and we take it from there.
I give a lot of Psycho-education regarding what causes destructive behaviours, the conseuences and what we need to start addressing. I give handouts and suggest books to read and podcasts to listen to. I suggest groups to attend eg. SAA - which can be found in most cities. I give you tools to use e.g. Mindfulness and Compassionate tools that help with stress and anxiety, so that if you are feeling overwhelmed and more vulnerable to lapsing and acting out, you know these tools can help you to re-focus and calm down, preventing acting out. This is relapse prevention. Once you understand why you have developed e.g. an addiction/compulsion and what keeps you stuck in that negative behaviour cycle, you have become responsible for not choosing that behaviour, but choosing the new tools that are positive and productive. We explore some reasons why this behaviour has emerged. What in your past has happened that has allowed this behaviour to dominate? Whatever it is, it is the 'function' of the behaviour, which we also explore and help you to emotionally process. If you have low sef-esteem, we work on that, or are depressed, we work on that etc. Most of all, we talk and talk, in order to create and maintain the trusted warm relationship we have created. Lapses are all part of learning to do different things that follow automatice signals, to act out and only live for that moment, which you will learn. Triggers are a big part of acting out and we identify what your's are and what to do about them. We carry on in Therapy until you feel you have reached a good place and can manage on your own. I keep my door open and suggest monthly check ups for a while, to keep you focused and maintaining abstinance from old toxic behaviours.
As stated elsewhere, the aim of Sex Therapy is not to enforce abstinance, but to promote a period of abstinance initially, in order for your mind and body to re-set. You probably then have a trial and error period, when you are searching for sexual behaviours and experiences that are pleasurable, but don't feel toxic to you. If you have a partner and they have been seeing a Therapist for their own recovery, we choose a good time for a joint meeting. The unwanted behaviours have now gone, but what do we do about our relationship, how do we repair it?
Laced through all of our work, is my non-judgmenal stance and understanding approach. I am motivated to help you to help yourself.
If reading this has made you think or feel,this is something that you want, please email me and we can arrange an appointment to start talking and understanding.
